--> Unfinished Pencils

davekatswag:

one time my dad gave me a glass of milk and i meant to ask him “who’s milk is this” because i wasnt sure if it was for me or if i was supposed to give it to my brother but instead i just stared down at the milk and said “who’s this”

then my dad turned to me without missing a beat and said “that’s your new friend mr. milk.” and we stared at each other and then he asked me if i was high

to this day i still have not lived it down

pruderanch:

200% sure that all of my friend have secret meetings where they just talk about how annoying I am

omfgsid:

My 4 year old brother told me he was scared to grow up and cried for like 10 minutes straight

finally I asked why he was so scared

and he said he was scared of drinking coffee

coffee

bitterarab:

Damn.

saki-hyuuga:

I asked Siri if I’d ever get married and it consulted the magic conch

bisexualpiratequeen:

I’m trying hard to live by Cat Principles.

1- I am glorious above all things
2- Eat when hungry, sleep when sleepy, play when bored
3- Affection is given and received on my terms and only mine
4- Show displeasure clearly.
5- NO
6- Demand the things you want. If they aren’t given, demand them again, but louder this time.
7- If you are touched when you don’t want to be, say so. If they continue to touch you, make them bleed.

I’m worried by the fact that two people signed away their skulls just so I can make mugs out of them

snowmiserr:

one time I was working at Dolly Parton’s water park as a photographer in the lazy river, and taking pictures and what not and I look up and see this very familiar black man floating in a tube toward me. 
and it is Akon.  So I’m like ‘hey Akon would you like a picture with your family today?’ He is all like ‘no thank you sweetie’ and I was all “well you have a good day, Akon” 
he said you too and floated on.  

danacardinal:

the universe does love carlos. he’s away from his home but he has his phone and he has his VOICE and he is making friends and meeting new people and making new discoveries and STILL is able to speak to his boyfriend. the universe just looked at him and said, “give this boy some science…and love”

wholetjackdrive:

during my freshman year of high school, i got voted to be on the homecoming court. that was cool until i heard that one of the more popular girls started crying because she didn’t get it. i figured standing on a float, waving to strangers, and looking pretty wasn’t really my thing. i felt bad for her so i gave it up to her. she then turned around and spread the rumor that “it was just a miscount” and that pretty much sums up high school for me.

feministmagicalgirl:

sugahwaatah:

white masculinity is so garbage they count moisturising their skin as feminine

legit my brother will not wash or moisturize his face bc he says that’s what girls do. he’s gonna be 20 in January.

fliptunas:

i dont care if youre 7 there is no way i am letting you win an easter egg hunt welcome to the real world jackass

thegrassthathidestheviper:

adamusprime:

What if you got the power to talk to animals but it turned out that animals are all aggressively Christian and keep trying to get you to come to youth group

officialunitedstates:

inmyheadandonmymind:

officialunitedstates:

did good on my bread final

no no no no. you did well, not good. you do well, you are good.

thanks for the grammar lesson but I don’t need it.  I’m majoring in bread

If celery is 90% water, is the ocean 10% celery?

vvhaleshark:

i need to know for school

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